Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
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I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*