[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
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CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe