Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
You Might Also Like
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.