[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
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i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source