Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
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Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.