[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
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Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
OH. COME. ON.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.