My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
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[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Hot Panini is in big trouble
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs