[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
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My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
not for long
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*