If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
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My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”