One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
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A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*