am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
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Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I saw this ending much differently.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?