I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
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I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel