What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
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Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.