If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
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He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
My neck, my back, my…