Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
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my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?