Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

[speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

there has never been a better use of this meme

What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣

Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.

Man, I wish they still made sticks.

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.