Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
The news is so predictable nowadays
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I’m going to need a moment here.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911