Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
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[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”