doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
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Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic