If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
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Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.