My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
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Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…