I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
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Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff