don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
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[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.