Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
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ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I have a black belt in leather
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.