DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
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Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
another case of gang violins
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Once again not all heroes wear capes