When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
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My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
being a writer on Twitter:
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.