ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
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Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.