Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
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my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
#Caturday
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above