Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
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Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?