Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
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me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered