Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?

Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.