I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
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Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.