Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
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My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
🤣🤣
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?