If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
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Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈