Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
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Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.