Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
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The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.