*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
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me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
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