Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
You Might Also Like
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.