♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
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Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
the red hot silly peppers
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you