HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
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Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.