Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
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me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal