*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
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“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
You deplete me