Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
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Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
😜
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Breaking news:
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it