Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
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This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
What
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Just a friendly reminder!
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.