Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
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The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.