I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
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In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.