I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
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My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed