A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
You Might Also Like
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.