I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
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You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
The Assassin.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses