Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
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[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Finally a use for spoilers…
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy