How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent π€·π»ββοΈ
You Might Also Like
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: Thatβs great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriendβs moving too fast.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Welcome to your 40βs: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: Weβve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste likeβ¦ likeβ¦ *sniff* like I can forgive my motherβ¦
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
The fact that βhead and shouldersβ doesnβt have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I call bullshit!
Chickens donβt even have fingers.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I would like even faster food.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs