I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.