[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
You Might Also Like
X-tra spooky blend
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one